On Death, Holidays, and the Work of the Subconscious

I've just realized I've always had a Lazarus-rising-from-the-dead way of thinking about the people I've lost. When I was young, I knew a boy who died when he was very little (Marco), and his funeral was the first I'd ever been to. I remember thinking, at his visitation or whatever it's called when you're in a little room with the body and people don't speak, that I could will him to life and kept energetically thinking, "now, Marco!" and again and again, and I probably felt very sad and confused when my mental willing didn't yield any results. He didn't sit up. He was just still, and I can barely see him now when I try to think of him twenty years later.  I remember him on a rocking chair. I remember his mother and his sisters, who reached out to our family when my little sister died at the age of 15 less than a year ago.

I don't know if I've accepted it yet: I dreamt last night that we were in a European-seeming place with my mom, lots of bustling behind us like a market square. I said, "Hey Tori,  there's  a cool show tonight; let's go!" And she said yeah and was lit up about it. My mom said Tori couldn't go, though. She was too worried about her. And Tori and I looked at each other, and we both knew why my mom was worried. It was because Tori had tried to kill herself. But I urged my mom to let Tori come with me. We still had her, and I wanted her to do things we liked together.

And my dream was about done there. I awoke and felt like it was true for awhile. In my dream, knowing Tori had attempted suicide but was still with us was something my family worked with and truly, I know my family all desires this and would love to be able to work with that  issue to this day. I think all of my dreams of her share this quality. We can still save her. She has come back to us. In my dreams, I don't have to reconcile Tori being suicidal and her being gone forever at the same time. There's a gap for someone to try to save her between those two critical periods, and that's all I want or can even dream of wanting 

The holiday season will be rough on me and my family. We've always spent the evening of Christmas Eve together, because when Tori was little and believed in Santa, we liked clinging onto that innocence and being enthusiastic about it. When she stopped believing in Santa, Jessica and I would still spend the night together because we couldn't break it to our parents that their youngest child's rose-colored glasses had finally been shelved. My stepdad recorded every Christmas since Tori was born. This will be our first year in 15 to shelve the recorder.

I don't know how we will get through the season, but we will.

This Christmas, please everyone, just love without limit those close to you. Let them know your world means more and is happier and lovelier with them in it. They may need to hear it, but you definitely need to say it. All the time. To everyone you love.

And talk to young people about suicide. It shouldn't be so taboo that I can't even discuss it with my sister in the alternate reality where she still exists. But it is, and I'd like to change that one day.