tori V

March 19th was the worst day of my little sister's life.
March 20th was the worst day of my life. Of my mom's life. My step-father's. My older sister's. Of all of our lives.

In the week leading up to the worst day of Victoria's life, she was in London, Paris, and Rome for a Spring Break trip.

In pictures, she looks very happy.

My parents picked her up from the airport on Sunday night.  My mom  kept her home from school on Monday so she could recover from jet lag.  My mom took that day off work to be with her, too.

On Tuesday she went to school and track practice.  She begged my mom to take her to get a haircut.  My mom worked it in.

On Wednesday she skipped school.  Her best friend usually gave her rides to school, but that morning her friend had a dermatology appointment.  Instead of securing another ride to school, Victoria stayed home.  My parents didn't notice, because she got up and she seemed to be getting ready for school by the time they both left for work. When her friend noticed she wasn't at school, she told her mom, who then told my mom.  When her friend texted Tori and asked her why she wasn't at school, Tori texted back, "I told my parents I forgot about your appointment, but really I just wanted to stay home to think about some things." She elaborated, spoke about trying to kill herself, but in a way that betrayed the seriousness of her intentions.  She told her friend not to tell her parents.  Her friend kept that promise to Tori. 

That day Tori stayed home, that last day of her life, she googled "carbon monoxide poisoning" and "least painful ways to die."

My mom was very mad that Tori stayed home.  On their way home together, she and my stepdad talked it over and agreed to calmly talk to Tori like an adult about why she did what she did.  They did.  She said she was still tired from the trip.  They were sympathetic but firm about how she should have talked to them first.

They had dinner together.  She did her homework.  Then, she told them she wanted to watch a movie with them, waited for them to get their things wrapped up (my stepdad was on the phone, my mom went for a walk), they put on a movie, and she fell asleep on the couch, tucked in between them.  My parents went to bed.

Victoria went to her room and stayed awake.  This is how I imagine what happened next:
She fought with herself, with her thoughts.  Because she was always private and self-reliant, she couldn't admit she needed help and that she was losing an important fight against her thoughts.  She thought she was unworthy of living. Her basketball coach made her feel like a failure, some of the players treated her like she was worthless.  She was probably soon to be cut from the basketball team.  She hated that thought.  She had thought hard about suicide and had probably tried to kill herself earlier that day but hadn't gone through with it.  Maybe she added that to her self-imposed and harsh list of failures in her life. She always marked off the days of the calendar, one slash mark from the top right corner to the bottom left, usually in purple marker. She marked off the day March 19th from her calendar.

She thought more about ways she could die.  And then: a train horn sounded in the distance, and it came to her, quickly, almost like an epiphany.  Aha, she probably thought.  It was right in front of her the whole time.  She knew where my mom kept her keys.  She didn't know if my parents would wake when she started the car, but she would take that risk.  She walked out my parents' house in a daze, left the door open and drove down the driveway without incident.  Her cat was probably in the backyard and not the front, because I think maybe seeing that cat would have stirred something in her.  But maybe not.  Maybe she did see her cat and she touched him on the top of his head, and then just kept moving, ticking things off her impromptu list.

She drove to the tracks and got out of the car.  She left the engine of our mother's car still running. She left her wallet clutch thing with her ID in it. She put her earbuds in.  She probably felt a sense of calm come over her, her plan coming to fruition.  And adrenaline, that had to be there too.  She would have recognized it, her heart beating fast like the start of every basketball game and the thrill of getting to play.  And now, she thought, for the last charge I'll ever take.  Just this and then nothing else, she thought. Or maybe she didn't.

But so.